We've played FIFA Mobile! FIFA Mobile, if you didn't know, is the new name for the iOS and Android editions of the football phenomenon. That's right, no 17 in the title - this is, supposedly, going to be the only FIFA app you need for years to come, to be supplemented by regular updates.
And, judging by what we've played so far, that might not be such a good idea. Let's take a look at five things we've learned about FIFA Mobile this year.
5. It's just Ultimate Team
Remember when we all thought it would be more than just Ultimate Team? Ahh, how foolish we were.
It's just Ultimate Team.
I got all excited when I first booted the game up - it lets you choose a team, see. Or at least that's what I thought. I chose my beloved Bristol City, excited to see my heroes' supreme ability (cough) reflected in-game. Not so. In fact, you can choose your club's badge and kit - that's it. Your squad is then made up of nobodies you acquire in basic packs (which cost an arm and a leg - quite the problem in a football game).
4. It's not even good Ultimate Team
The (considerable) appeal of Ultimate Team is the child-like excitement: ripping open a pack, seeing what shinies you've got, moaning when you get three doubles - it's great.
Well in FIFA Mobile, most packs only have one card in. And most of those are tutorial tokens! Because everyone loves those, right?!
The odd player you do get is some bronze bloke from the Romanian second division. Yay.
3. Matches are half-baked (for now at least)
From the start, only tutorials, live events, and a new feature called Attack Mode are unlocked.
The former two are essentially a bunch of training drills to teach you the controls, while the latter consists of playing half a game at a time, asynchronously against a human opponent.
So you play 45 minutes (around three real life minutes) of only attacking moves, trying to score as many goals as possible. You then go away, do your own thing, walk the dog or whatever, then (supposedly) when you log back in later, your opponent will have retaliated in kind.
Except in my experience, they never do respond, so you're left with 10 incomplete matches - and the AI acting on behalf of 'john' from 'europe' is so easy to score against it's just boring.
2. Other modes are… not forthcoming
Leagues - a mode where groups of players can compete against other leagues - unlocks at level five, but I couldn't join a single league - they were all overloaded by the time I logged on.
My response was to make my own league - which cost me nearly every penny I'd collected in an hour of play. Having logged back in 12 hours later however, not a single soul had joined my league - I was doing keepy uppies by myself all over again. It's just like being six years old.
Seasons, meanwhile, doesn't unlock until level eight, so *shrug*!
1. It doesn't look great
I thought mobile was beyond PS2 era graphics now. Apparently not. Here's hoping the inevitable FIFA 18 (screw this FIFA Mobile nonsense) will be better!